The Lords of the Caffeine: The Two Sodas
by Caroline Jordan
Summary: SNOWBALL FIGHT! Sequel to The Lords of the Caffeine: The Fellowship of the Morons. You throw the whole Fellowship and some junior high kids in a house...what sort of insanity will occur? Thank you, Elrond! NEXT CHAP. INVOLVES MORE CHRISTMAS!
1. There's Something In The Basement Again!

The Lords of the Caffine: The Two Sodas  
  
By Caroline Jordan  
  
Summary: Sequel to The Lords of the Caffeine: The Fellowship of the Morons. You throw the whole Fellowship and some junior high kids in a house...what sort of insanity will occur?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. If I did, why would I be writing here? These kids are once again, me and my friends.  
  
Chapter 1- There's Something in the Basement Again!  
  
Ahh, the House of Insanity. A peaceful, quiet house with very loving and caring people within its walls.  
  
"DAJOTRE! SHUT UP!!!"  
  
"Leave me alone, Kitt!"  
  
"What did you call me, Aragorn?!"  
  
"Watch your language, Gimli!"  
  
"GAAAAANDAAAALF!"  
  
"Enough!" Gandalf roared.  
  
Everyone froze where they were. It was quite interesting to see how long Ben could remain with that lamp held inches above Peter's head.  
  
"Now that I have your attention, we're going to have to reorganize things," Gandalf said. "Since we have a new member of the "family," we will have to arrange the rooms again."  
  
Unfortuneatly, three people had to be in different rooms other than the bedrooms. By a unanimous vote, Daj was thrown into the basement. Gimli was forced to take the living room couch, being the shortest one there. And so, the rooms were as follows:  
  
Room 1: Lisa, Brittney, Stephanie, Tippy  
  
Room 2: Tracy, Kitt, Ashley, Arwen, Eowyn (extra cot moved in! Joy! Excitement!...I'm done!)  
  
Room 3: Legolas, Aragorn, Peter, Pippin  
  
Room 4: Gandalf, Boromir, Faramir, Ben  
  
Room 5: Frodo, Sam, Merry, Bryan  
  
(Geez! That was boring! Moving right along...)  
  
Angered at being betrayed by his fellow comrades, Dajotre stormed into the basement and slammed the door behind him, causing the house to shake a little.  
  
"Best friends," Daj grumbled. "Pfh! Some friends they were! Throwing me into the basement. Me! Of all people! You dare insult teh great Daj?!"  
  
Daj turned on the solitary lightbulb hanging from the ceiling and lay back on his cot. Suddenly, something in the distance fell. Dajotre jumped up.  
  
"Who's there?!" he demanded.  
  
When there was no reply, he shrugged and lay back again. But just then, something else fell.  
  
"All right! Who's there?!" Dajotre yelled.  
  
Silence...  
  
"Peter!" Dajotre shouted, getting up. "Is that you? Okay, Peter. It's not funny, you hear? Peter?...Bryan?....Ben?"  
  
He slowly walked into the darker part of the basement.  
  
"Ummm...guys!" he called. "There's something in the basement again!"  
  
When no one came to his aid, Dajotre "fearlessly" kept walking. A dark shadow lurked among the others. His eyes widened.  
  
"I don't believe it!" he gasped. "It's...it's!"  
  
Five days later, Tracy came downstairs at about 10:45 A.M.: her wake-up call. Peter and Bryan were gambling with Mountain Dew in the kitchen, and Tracy sat down with her breakfast.  
  
"Where's Daj?" she asked.  
  
They both shrugged. Kitt came in just then as well.  
  
"Kitt," Tracy said. "Have you seen Dajotre?"  
  
"I was just going to ask you the same thing," Kitt replied. "I've been sending him food via Ben's new invention."  
  
Bryan looked up. "Invention?"  
  
"He tied a basket to a rope, genius," Kitt answered. "Calm yourself."  
  
Peter got up and opened the door to the basement. He started to walk downstairs and called, "Daj! Dajotre!"  
  
"What?!" a voice shouted back.  
  
Peter sighed. At least he was alive.  
  
"What are you doing?" Peter asked.  
  
"Nothing," Daj said. "Just talking with Morgoth."  
  
Peter nodded. "Oh. Okay."  
  
He turned around and came back upstairs and into the kitchen.  
  
"What was that all about?" Tracy asked.  
  
"Oh, he's just talking with Morgoth," Peter shrugged.  
  
He paused. "....Wait."  
  
"MORGOTH?!!!" the four kids screamed.  
  
Legolas, Aragorn and Gandalf came rushing downstairs.  
  
"Where's Morgoth?" Gandalf demanded.  
  
"In the basement!" Bryan told him.  
  
Aragorn drew his sword. "All right! Let me at him!"  
  
Brittney held him back. "Whoa! Hold up, ugly man! I think Lady Lisa over there wouldn't want you to die."  
  
"Did you just call him ugly man?!" Lisa yelled.  
  
"You think I would die?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Did I stutter, genius?" Brittney asked. "Of couse I do!"  
  
Stephanie came over. "Morgoth's in our basement?"  
  
"Cool!" Ashley shouted.  
  
"No, Ashley," Steph said. "Morgoth's a bad thing..."  
  
Ashley stopped dancing. "Oh.....I knew that."  
  
"Now what do we do?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Well, we can't fight him without destroying the house," Pippin pointed out.  
  
"Good job, Pip!" Merry applauded.  
  
"We'll need something to distract him," Gandalf said.  
  
"A diversion," Legolas said.  
  
"Once again," Tracy turned to him. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!"  
  
Legolas glared at her. "You're welcome...."  
  
So it was then that the kids and Fellowship teamed up to distract Morgoth. They called it "Get Morgoth or Die Trying Plan #873.59932."  
  
Plan A: Scare Morgoth away with not evil, cute stuff  
  
Ben came over with a basket full of stuffed animals. "Well, it wasn't easy, but I finally got all the stuffed animals from Ephrium's room." (Ephrium= the youngest of the eight boys in Ben's family...seriously!)  
  
They threw the animals down the stairs and into the basement.  
  
"Hey! Look, Morgoth!" a voice from downstairs said. "Stuffed animals! Aren't they cute?! Let's go outside and burn them!"  
  
The others glared at Ben.  
  
"What?!" Ben yelled. "It was a good idea!"  
  
"Plan B!" Merry called.  
  
Plan B: Live bait  
  
After voting, Ben was dismayed to find out that after the stuffed animals fiasco, he was live bait. The others ushered him downstairs and braced the door in case he decided to come back.  
  
"Ummm...M-Morgoth?" Ben stuttered.  
  
The dark figure turned to poor Ben.  
  
"I-I just wanted to...t-to tell you that....Sauron's better than you!" Ben braced himself for the attack.  
  
Back upstairs, his scream echoed through the whole house.  
  
"How was that supposed to help?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"It wasn't," Tippy replied. "It was but revenge."  
  
But of course, Morgoth didn't really kill Ben.  
  
"WHAT?!" the others yelled.  
  
'Tis but a merry jest.  
  
"Grr...." Boromir grumbled. "Plan C!"  
  
Plan C: Call the police  
  
Stephanie picked up the phone and began to dial the police.  
  
"Police, how can I help you?" a man's voice asked.  
  
"We have a wanted criminal in our basement," Steph replied.  
  
"His name?" the man answered.  
  
"Morgoth."  
  
"...I'm sorry?"  
  
"Morgoth."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Mooooor-goooooth!"  
  
The man on the other end started laughing hystarically.  
  
"Jim! Jim!" he laughed. "They said they've got Morgoth in their basement!"  
  
This time, it sounded like seven other people were laughing too. Stephanie slammed the phone down in anger.  
  
"Plan D!" she yelled.  
  
Plan D: Bribery  
  
Bryan came over. "I know how to get him out."  
  
"How?" Brittney asked.  
  
"My good friend Mr. Lincoln can help," Bryan grinned.  
  
"You're going to bribe Morgoth with a five?!" Tippy said.  
  
Bryan looked confused. "Nooo. A penny!"  
  
Needless to say, Plan D was quickly a failure.  
  
"Anymore ideas, genius?" Gimli sighed.  
  
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," Gandalf mumbled.  
  
"I say we just run downstairs and get him!" Aragorn said.  
  
"Hold up, ugly man!" Brittney said. "You're not goin' anywhere."  
  
"Would you stop calling me that?!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
Just then, the door to the basement opened. The dark figure slowly emerged and began to walk through the living room. The others were silent and confused, watching the Dark Master walk out the door.  
  
  
  
"Where's he going?" Peter asked.  
  
"Morgoth and I had an arguement," Dajotre explained. "Apparently, my intelligence was no match for him."  
  
Someone coughed and Daj menacingly looked for the culprit, but no one was different from the others.  
  
(Next Chapter: The Interwebnet START VOTING AGAIN FOR YOUR FAVORITE KID BECAUSE ALL VOTES HAVE NOW BEEN SET TO ZERO!) 


	2. The Interwebnet

Chapter 2- The Interwebnet!  
  
Favorite Votes:  
  
Ashley- 0  
  
Ben- 0  
  
Brittney- 0  
  
Bryan- 0  
  
Dajotre- 1  
  
Kitt- 0  
  
Lisa- 0  
  
Peter- 0  
  
Stephanie- 1  
  
Tippy- 1  
  
Tracy- 0  
  
It was at this time, when all hope of figuring out the crossword puzzle had faded, that Bryan brought his computer from his home to the house. Complete with Internet access! Woot! Bryan immediatly got onto Google and looked up a five letter word for an idiot that doesn't know what a five letter word for idiot is. His results showed the word "idiot."  
  
"Hmmm........will that fit?" Bryan asked.  
  
He filled in the blanks and rejoiced. But soon, he forgot about the Interwebnet as he proceeded to finish his task.  
  
The next day, Frodo discovered the new technology.  
  
"Hmmm....what's this?" he asked.  
  
"That's the Internet, Frodo," Ashley said. "Middle-Earth Online! So easy to use, no wonder it's number one!"  
  
Frodo shrugged and began to fill out an e-mail address for himself: Ringbearer711@mol.com  
  
But later that day, Faramir discovered the Internet as well. And on the Internet, he discovered Internet games! And on the Internet games, he discovered a Lord of the Rings based game for computers all over the world!  
  
"Boromir, look at this!" Faramir called. "It's some sort of battle on this screen."  
  
Faramir could choose from a list of "skilled warriors." Of course, he chose himself!  
  
"Where am I?" Boromir asked.  
  
"They wanted SKILLED warriors, brother," Faramir grinned.  
  
Boromir cuffed his brother on the back of the head and stormed off, leaving Faramir with his game.  
  
In less than three minutes, Faramir had been slaughtered.  
  
"What?!" Faramir yelled. "That wasn't fair! New game! And this time, you will feel my wrath Justinluver23875!"  
  
Tracy came up behind him. "That sounds like Brittney.....is she using Merry in a helmet?"  
  
"Yes," Faramir replied.  
  
Tracy ran into Brittney's room where she sat with a laptop on the bed.  
  
"YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME!!!" Tracy screamed. "I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CHECK MY MAIL IN MONTHS!!!"  
  
"Who's gonna e-mail you?" Brittney asked. "Everyone's here!"  
  
"That's. Beside. The. Point!" Tracy replied, angrily.  
  
But even later that evening, Kitt discovered Ebay! Soon, she had over three hundred Orlando Bloom things bought and shipped over to the house. (That's service!)  
  
"Hey! Adorable poster, Kitt!" Tracy grinned.  
  
"You can have it," Kitt said. "I have two others just like it."  
  
"How are you going to pay for this?" Lisa asked, wading through the Orlando Bloom shirts, mugs, mouse pads, posters, pictures, action figures...need I go on?  
  
Kitt looked confused. "What is this pay you speak so fondly of?"  
  
Tracy and Lisa looked at her. "YOU HAVEN'T PAID FOR ANY OF THESE THINGS?!!!"  
  
"What's gonna happen?" Kitt shrugged.   
  
"They'll send the bill collectors!" Lisa yelled.  
  
"When?" Kitt asked.  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang. Kitt went over to answer it and saw... Sauron?  
  
"Is there a Kathryn in there?" he asked.  
  
"No..." Kitt replied. "No Kathryn. In fact, I don't know any Kathryns."  
  
Tippy came running forward. "Kitt! You asked me to personalize this shirt for you! Would you like it to say Orlando loves Kathryn or Orlando loves Kitt?"  
  
Sauron glared at Kitt.  
  
"Thanks TIPPY!" Kitt snapped.  
  
"What?" Tippy asked. "What'd I do?!"  
  
"You owe Ebay nine hundred dollars," Sauron said.  
  
"WHAT?!" Kitt screamed. "WHERE AM I GONNA GET NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS?! I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!!!"  
  
"Well, you can go collect nine hundred dollars from someone that owes money," Sauron suggested.  
  
"Sure," Kitt said. "ANYTHING!"  
  
"All right," Sauron answered, hanging her a card. "He lives here."  
  
Soon, the group was off to 745 West Dead Street to the residence of the King of the Dead.  
  
"The way is shut!" Legolas read the inscription at the top. "It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut!"  
  
"Then let's not go in," Bryan suggested.  
  
"Aw! Come on! You wimp!" Ben yelled, dragging him in through the Paths of the Dead.  
  
The group slowly walked through the darkened paths to where the dead were. Their mists swirrled beneath their feet, but the fearless "family" moved on.  
  
Bryan screamed like a girl. "Something touched me!!!"  
  
"Oh get over yourself!" Tracy smacked him.  
  
They finally came to the old hall, when the king himself approached.  
  
"Who dares enter my domain?!" he hissed.  
  
"One who would hold you to your debt!" Kitt yelled.  
  
"The dead do not allow the living to pass!" the king answered.  
  
Kitt glared at him. "Pay me back! And I will release you from your curse! What say you?"  
  
"That sounds vaguely familiar," Aragorn said to Legolas.  
  
"I....yield!" the king replied. "Under ONE condition! There's someone that owes ME nine hundred dollars. Help me find him, and I'll pay you back."  
  
"Then join us!" Kitt said. "What say you?"  
  
The King of the Dead and the others then teamed up to find the person who owed the king nine hundred dollars.  
  
"We're in Gondor!" Stephanie said.  
  
"Don't remind me," Faramir grumbled.  
  
The group came into the halls to see Lord Denethor. He and Boromir looked at each other.  
  
"Father?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Boromir?" Denethor asked.  
  
"You're alive?" they both said.  
  
"You owe me nine hundred dollars, Denethor!" the King of the Dead broke in.  
  
He glared at him. "Well, I would pay you back. But someone else owes me nine hundred dollars."  
  
"Again?!" Ben groaned.  
  
So Lord Denethor joined forces with the others to track the man down.  
  
"Why are we at Barad-dûr?" Lisa asked.  
  
"This is where he lives," Denethor answered.  
  
They came up to the door and knocked.  
  
"Ah well! Nobody's home! Let's go!" Bryan said, turning around.  
  
"Get back here!" Lisa yelled.  
  
The door opened revealing...Sauron again?  
  
"I knew this would happen eventually," Sauron grumbled.  
  
Denethor glared at the Dark Lord. "You own me nine hundred dollars! Pay up!"  
  
"I can't until YOU pay me back!" Sauron pointed at Kitt.  
  
That's when everybody started arguing at once. No one could hear each other, but they still screamed as loud as they could. That's when Kitt had an idea.  
  
"QUIET!!!" she shrieked.  
  
Everyone went silent and then Kitt yelled at Sauron. "You! Write out a check for nine hundred dollars NOW!!!"  
  
Sauron quickly scribbled out the check.  
  
"Now you give it to Denethor!" she commanded.  
  
He handed the check to Denethor and Kitt said, "Now YOU give the check to the King of the Dead!"  
  
The king took the check and Kitt continued, "Now you give it to me."  
  
He handed the check to Kitt who put it in Sauron's hand. "There ya go! Now let's go home!"  
  
The others started to leave, except for Peter.  
  
"Peter?" Tracy asked. "Are you okay?"  
  
"B-But...all we did was pass a piece of paper around!" Peter stammered. "W-What just happened? How could we all pay each other?! I don't get it!!!!!"  
  
Tracy put a hand on his shoulder. "Let's just go home. In the morning, it'll all be a ridiculous memory that we can laugh about later in our life."  
  
(Next Chapter: Bak 2 Skool?! KEEP ON VOTING FOR YOUR FAVE KID!!!) 


	3. Bak 2 Skool

Chapter 3- Bak 2 Skool?  
  
Two days later, the kids were bored, as kids usually become. They were all laying on a couch, exhausted for no reason. Arwen came into to see the pathetic group.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing," the kids all said.  
  
"Exactly!" Arwen responded.  
  
The others looked at her, confused. Aragorn came into the room, hearing the comment.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn asked.  
  
Arwen gestured to the kids. "They haven't been to school in months! Where's their education?"  
  
"We don't need no education!" Daj declared.  
  
"They have poor grammar skills," Arwen began.  
  
"But we speak good!" Ben protested.  
  
"Poor math skills," she added.  
  
"5+8 equals 58!" Ben protested again. "Hah! Beat that!"  
  
"And lack of anger management," she finished.  
  
"What?!" Peter shouted. "That's an insult!!! I don't have anger problems, dang it!!!!!!"  
  
"See what I mean?" Arwen asked Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn nodded. "But what are we going to do?"  
  
"I guess," she said, "we'll have to teach them."  
  
"What?!" the kids yelled.  
  
Lisa laughed so hard that she fell out of her chair. "You? Teach us? Lady Arwen of Rivendell Who-Stole-My-Man?! That's a GOOD one!"  
  
And so it was! The teachers were appointed, and the house was converted into a school. Don't ask how....  
  
But the kids were split up into two classes. Two teachers would teach at the same time in different rooms. So here comes utter insanity:  
  
Frodo & Sam- algebra  
  
Aragorn- gym class...woot.....  
  
Gandalf- chemistry/science  
  
Merry & Pippin- home economics (Hey! It's cooking!)  
  
Boromir- history  
  
Arwen & Legolas- language arts...I guess...Hey! It's including Elvish!  
  
Eowyn- principal...don't ask  
  
Gimli- vice-principal  
  
Faramir- dean (BWA HA HA!)  
  
But who would teach them band class?  
  
"I guess we'll have to teach ourselves," Tracy sighed.  
  
"Fun!" the others exclaimed.  
  
The first class of kids consisted of Tracy, Tippy, Peter, Daj and Bryan. The second was Lisa, Ben, Brittney, Kitt, Stephanie and Ashley.  
  
Class One: Period One  
  
"I hate school!" Bryan whined. "I hate it! I hate it!"  
  
"This isn't school!" Peter declared. "It's heck with fluroscent lighting!"  
  
Tippy came into the den which had been converted into a classroom. She slammed the door behind her. "NO one talk to me."  
  
"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed," Dajotre mumbled.  
  
Their first period teacher walked in: Mister Peregrin Took and Mister Meriadoc Brandybuck. (Are you laughing as hard as I am?)  
  
"Good morning!" Pippin said.  
  
"Is it?" Tracy asked.  
  
"I hope so," Bryan added.  
  
Tippy moaned. "Why me? Here I am stuck with two caffeine addicts and three morons!"  
  
"Hey!" Bryan yelled.  
  
"Oh you're right," Tippy apologized. "I'm sorry. I forgot one. FOUR morons!"  
  
"Quiet!" "Mister" Brandybuck said.  
  
The intercom (as seen in chapter 12 of The Fellowship of the Morons) whined and the kids put their hands over their ears.  
  
"Is this thing on?" a voice said.  
  
"Yes! It's on!" the kids chorused.  
  
"Good morning," the voice said. "Please rise for the pledge."  
  
The kids looked at each other.  
  
"Leading us in the pledge is...um...me," the voice continued.  
  
The others groaned and painfully recited:  
  
"I pledge alleigance to the flag  
  
Of the United States of America  
  
And to the republic for which it stands  
  
One nation under God, indivisable  
  
With liberty and justice for all."  
  
The kids sat down and Bryan raised his hand. "Why do we pledge alleigance to a flag?"  
  
"Don't ask questions," Pippin replied.  
  
"But it's good to ask questions!" said the Tip.  
  
The intercom stopped Pippin from giving his answer. "Will the following students come to the dean's office?"  
  
"No, but okay," Dajotre mumbled.  
  
"Bryan and Ben," the intercom said.  
  
"What?!" Bryan yelled. "The first day of school and I'm already in trouble!"  
  
"That comes as no surprise," Tracy muttered.  
  
Bryan left and Merry opened the textbook. "Pippin. What's a tsp?"  
  
"Tsp? Hmm...ten square pounds?" Pippin suggested.  
  
"Works for me!" Merry grinned.  
  
Tippy raised her hand. "Doesn't tsp stand for teaspoon?"  
  
"Who's the teacher here?" Merry asked.  
  
Tippy glared at him. "You are..."  
  
"That's right," Merry grinned. "So what we say is right."  
  
"Ah! But that can be argued." Peter replied.  
  
"Would you like a detention?!" Pippin scolded.  
  
"Better than watching the stove blow up," Peter said to himself. "Wait...no it isn't!"  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER...  
  
The fire truck roared up to the driveway, and the firefighters ran inside the house and into the kitchen. They were able to put out the exploding stove in a few minutes. Merry and Pippin stood close by, their faces black from the explosion.  
  
"That was good!" Pippin grinned.  
  
"Let's do another one!" Merry smiled.  
  
"Maybe we should just READ about cooking for the rest of the period," Daj mumbled.  
  
Class Two: Period Two  
  
Class Two was sitting in chemistry at the same time. Chemistry had been moved into the basement. Gandalf began thumbing through the science book.  
  
" *mumble mumble* Electrons *mumble mumble* In the early Palezoic era *mumble mumble*" he said to himself.  
  
He paused. "Forget this!"  
  
He threw the book behind him and said. "I'll just teach you magic!"  
  
The kids cheered and lit their science books on the Bunsen burners.  
  
"Now, who can tell me what the elements are?" Gandalf asked. (I don't believe in magic and witchcraft, by the way, and I'm NOT trying to make it like so.)  
  
Lisa raised her hand. "Well, there's oxygen, hydrogen, boron, mercury, uranium, radium-"  
  
"Wrong!" Gandalf grinned. "Earth, wind, fire and ice." (That's what I think they are. But like I said, I don't believe in witchcraft and magic.)  
  
Lisa glared at him.  
  
"Everyone, open up these new books to page 35," Gandalf instructed.  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER...  
  
The firetruck returned to the driveway, and this time, the firefighters ran into the basement. It only took a few minutes to put out Ben's burning hair along with the burning everything else.  
  
"On second thought," Brittney said, "let's just read Harry Potter. It's about magic!" (Demons...)  
  
Class One: Period Three  
  
Class One's next class was language arts...oh joy. Misses Arwen and Mister Legolas were teaching this class. (falls on floor with laughter)  
  
"Who can tell me what a classic is?" Arwen asked.  
  
Tracy raised her hand. "A book everyone praises but no one wants to read!"  
  
The others laughed, and Arwen glared at her. "No. But can anyone tell me some good classics?"  
  
Tippy raised her hand. "The Lord of the Rings?!"  
  
"What kind of a book is that?" Legolas mumbled.  
  
Tippy and Tracy snickered, and then Bryan raised his hand. "A Farewell to Arms?"  
  
"Very good, Bryan!" Arwen smiled.  
  
"Arwen likes me!" Bryan exclaimed.  
  
Dajotre glared and raised his hand. "What about War and Peace?"  
  
"That's a good book too, Dajotre!" Arwen praised.  
  
Dajotre grinned superiorly, and Peter then raised his hand. "A Tale of Two Cities! And I can even recite the first part!"  
  
He stood up. "'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. There were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England; there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a fair face, on the throne of France. In both countries it was clearer than crystal to the lords of the State preserves of loaves and fishes, that things in general were settled for ever.'"  
  
Peter sat down, leaving Daj and Bryan glaring.  
  
"Very good Peter!" Arwen smiled. "I'm so impressed!"  
  
Peter grinned. "Just another satisfied customer."  
  
Tippy and Tracy rolled their eyes, and the teachers continued their lecture.  
  
"Let's move onto vocabulary," Legolas said.  
  
Bryan raised his hand. "What does antidisestablishmintarism mean?"  
  
Legolas blinked. "I...don't know."  
  
The others gasped. "You don't know?!"  
  
"You're the teacher!" Bryan exclaimed.  
  
"Just stop it!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"Teachers are supposed to know everything!" Daj said.  
  
...We'll come back to this class in a few minutes...  
  
(Next Chapter: Bak 2 Skool Part 2) 


	4. Order In The Court!

Chapter 4- Order In The Court  
  
After coming back from the dean's office for the fourth time this morning, Ben and Bryan stormed into the room, angrily.  
  
"We've gotta stop this!" Ben yelled. "I got in trouble today for dropping my pencil in front of Faramir! He said I threw it!"  
  
"Well I got in trouble for running into Gimli," Bryan said. "It's not MY fault I didn't see him. It's not MY fault he's all short!"  
  
"We can sue them," Tracy suggested.  
  
"With what?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"Malpractice," she grinned evilly.  
  
Peter nodded. "She does have a point."  
  
Daj snorted. "ONE point."  
  
Tracy glared at him and said, "Well, we can't afford a liar- I mean- lawyer. So we'll have to defend ourselves."  
  
~Silence~  
  
"Can we do that?" Brittney asked.  
  
"Who cares?!" Kitt said.  
  
THREE DAYS LATER...  
  
"All arise!" the bailiff shouted.  
  
Everyone stood up as the judge walked in and sat down. So after the long, dull law procedures, Peter rose.  
  
"Can we trust Peter with our case?" Ashley whispered to Tracy.  
  
"Of course!" she whispered back. She paused. "If not, that's why I'm here."  
  
"Plantiff, call your first witness," the judge said.  
  
"I call Arwen Undomiel to the stand," Peter declared.  
  
Arwen slowly came over to the witness stand and was sworn in. She sat down, and Peter came over and slammed his hands down on the stand.  
  
"GIVE IT UP, WOMAN!!! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!!!" Peter shouted.  
  
"Objection!" Aragorn shouted.  
  
"Overruled," Brittney said.  
  
The judge glared at her and said, "Sustained."  
  
Arwen merely blinked. Peter stared into her eyes and then sighed, "That's not gonna work is it?"  
  
Arwen slowly shook her head.  
  
Peter paused. "...Okay then...We'll try this again."  
  
He shook her hand. "Hi! I'm Peter! And you are?"  
  
"Objection!" Aragorn yelled again.  
  
Brittney was about to answer, but the judge said, "Sustained." Brittney glared at him, hatefully.  
  
"Fine," Peter groaned. "I'll do this the right way."  
  
He took a few steps back, paced the floor, took a drink of the water on the table, looked over at the jury, then the judge, then the lady typing, then back at Arwen. Someone in the back of the room coughed. But then it was so quiet, you could hear the sound of everyone's heartbeat.  
  
"Lady Arwen," Peter began, "tell us, in your own words, what you were thinking when you formulated your plan to put us innocent children in school."  
  
"Objection!" Aragorn yelled for the third time.  
  
"Shut up!" the judge shouted.  
  
Aragorn sat down, mumbling to himself angrily.  
  
"Well, education is a thing every person needs," Arwen began.  
  
"Objection!" Daj shouted. "Peter Jennings from World News Tonight never finished high school!"  
  
"Overruled," the judge sighed.  
  
Arwen narrowed her eyes and continued, "Anyways, I saw you kids throwing your lives away with no schooling. So I thought, since we all are intelligent in our own way, that we could teach you ourselves. So...yes..."  
  
Peter nodded. "Tell me, Arwen. Have you had any schooling as a teacher?"  
  
Arwen paused. "...No."  
  
"Ha!" Peter exclaimed. "I win! Your witness, council..."  
  
He resumed his seat at the plaintiff's table next to Daj. Frodo came forth with telephone books. He stacked the books on top of each other, and Merry climbed up on them.  
  
"Good morning, my lady!" Merry grinned, leaning on the witness stand. "Could you please tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury how the first day of school went?"  
  
"Well, my class went very well," Arwen said. "Bryan, Peter and Dajotre were very good students-"  
  
"Objection!" Tracy shouted. "Bribing the plaintiff?!"  
  
"We don't mind," Bryan said, followed by Tracy whacking him.  
  
The judge nodded, "Sustained."  
  
"...and I thought we did a very good job as teachers," Arwen said.  
  
"Were there any problems?" Merry asked.  
  
Arwen thought for a moment. "Not to my knowledge."  
  
Merry smiled. "Thank you, Arwen. You may sit down. For I call Prince Legolas Greenleaf to the stand."  
  
Peter, Ben, Bryan, and Dajotre laughed at Legolas's name again. Aragorn opened his mouth to say "Objection," but was cut off by the judge's "Sustained." Legolas, glaring at the plaintiff, took his seat.  
  
"Legolas, you taught with Lady Arwen, did you not?" Merry inquired.  
  
"I did," Legolas said.  
  
Merry nodded. "No further questions, your honor."  
  
The defense looked at each other, confused, as Merry took his seat. Peter got up again and came over to Legolas.  
  
"Mr. Gr- *laugh* Greenleaf," Peter said, "if I do recall correctly, there was a slight mishap. Apparently, Mr. Bryan asked you a question that you could not answer."  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Yes..."  
  
"You were the teacher, were you not?" Peter asked.  
  
"Yes," Legolas repeated.  
  
"Shouldn't you have had the answer?!" Peter exclaimed.  
  
"Not always," he said.  
  
"But Lady Arwen herself said that you were all intelligent in your own way. Clearly, you should have been able to answer it."  
  
"The question was 'What does antidisestablishmintarism mean?!' How am I supposed to answer THAT?!"  
  
"I don't know. YOU'RE the teacher!!!"  
  
Legolas was silent, glaring into Peter's eyes. Peter smiled superiorly and said, "No further questions, your honor."  
  
Legolas sighed, and Tracy looked over at him sympathetically followed by Tippy whacking her. Tracy rubbed her head and rearranged the blonde strands of hair that were Islightly/I out of place. She then rose and said, "I'd like to call Mr. Objection himself, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, chieftan of Dunedain of Arnor, captain of the host of the West, banner of the Star of the North, wielder of the sword reforged, victorious in battle, who hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandiel, Isildur's son, Elendil's son of Numenor to the stand."  
  
Lisa pouted at not being able to say Aragorn's full title. Aragorn stood up and walked over to the witness stand. Tracy came over to Aragorn.  
  
"So, Ugly Ma- I mean- Aragorn," she began.  
  
Aragorn glared at her. "...Yes?"  
  
"Apparently, after the first two months, you were given the option to return home," Tracy said. "What was your reaction?"  
  
"I stayed," Aragorn admitted.  
  
"Why?" Tracy asked.  
  
"Arwen didn't want to leave, and I thought it would be all right," he explained.  
  
"So it is not our fault that we stayed," Tracy said.  
  
"Yes, it is," Aragorn replied. "You could have left."  
  
"But for the time being YOU were our guardians!" Tracy snapped.  
  
"So?"  
  
"So you were to look after us. We were only obidient!"  
  
Aragorn sighed and shook his head. Tracy smiled and said, "No further questions, your honor."  
  
Frodo climbed up on the phone books next and looked at Aragorn. "King Elessar, perhaps you kept them out of sympathy? Maybe, you felt sorry that they had no where to go."  
  
"Objection!" Tracy shouted. "He is twisting the witness's testimony! He's putting ideas into his head! This is unlawful!"  
  
The judge nodded. "Sustained."  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Tell us then, your thoughts."  
  
"I did feel a bit of sympathy," Aragorn began.  
  
Tracy groaned and impatiently drummed her pen on the table. Aragorn continued, "Maybe I could keep them until they somehow contacted home."  
  
Frodo grinned. "Thank you, Aragorn, you may sit down. I call Brittney to the stand!"  
  
Tracy grabbed Brittney's arm and whispered. "This is your star performence. Give me your best Oliver Twist impression ever."  
  
Brittney grinned evilly, and then put on her sad orphan face. Peter looked over at Tracy. "What did you tell her?"  
  
"Wait for it..." Tracy replied.  
  
Brittney sat down in the witness stand, and then burst out into tears. Frodo arched an eyebrow, looked at the judge, then the defendant, and then the plaintiff.  
  
"Uhh...Brittney?" Frodo said.  
  
Brittney continued to sob. "Don't make me leave! Don't make me go back to that horrid place! PLEASE!!!"  
  
Frodo looked very confused and guilty, thinking it was his fault that Brittney was uncontrollably crying. "Brittney...could you please tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you mean by that?"  
  
Brittney cried, "Can't you hear me?! I don't wanna go back to my home!!! No! Not my home! It's just a building! I hate it there! I HATE IT!!!"  
  
Frodo slowly sat back down. "No further questions...your honor."  
  
Tracy got up and came over to Brittney. "Brittney...tell us about your life."  
  
Brittney started to dry her eyes. "Well, my parents died before I was three. So I don't remember them. I was sent to a children's home where I got nothing but gruel and stale bread for every meal, every day. And then one day, weak and frail, I asked for some more. And they threw me out!!! I was all alone until a guy named Dodger, who oddly looked like Elijah Wood, took me in to a place where a thief named Fagin took care of us. So then, I decided to come here after being wrongly accused for stealing. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I'd be loved, but no! Now they want to get rid of me again!!!!!!!!!"  
  
She broke out into more sobs. Tracy sadly shook her head and sat down. "No further questions, your honor."  
  
Later, the jury returned with their verdict. Brittney was still fake crying at the plaintiff's table. The judge was handed a copy of the verdict and then said, "Will the defendant please rise?"  
  
The Fellowship stood up, and the judge asked, "Jury, have you reached your verdict?"  
  
"That's why we're here," Dajotre mumbled.  
  
A guy in the jury stood. "We have, your honor."  
  
"What say you?" the judge asked.  
  
"Objection!" Aragorn shouted.  
  
"Aragorn, the trial's over," Sam said.  
  
"I know!" Aragorn yelled. "But that's MY line!"  
  
"Quit talking like Bryan," Kitt yelled.  
  
"We the jury find the defendant on the account of malpractice," he unneccesarily paused for effect, "...guilty!"  
  
Everyone gasped. The kids rejoiced, and Peter and Tracy just grinned superiorly at winning their first case. The Fellowship grumbled.  
  
"And the sentace?" the judge asked.  
  
"We the jury feel that they should just...stop...yeah," the guy from the jury said.  
  
The Fellowship looked over at the kids. Somehow, things weren't gonna be the same.  
  
(Woot! That was fun! I got to be a lawyer! Next Chapter: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...Christmas?!) 


	5. It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas

Chapter 5- It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...Christmas?!  
  
Soon, the snow began to fall and cover the town in a blanket of white. Of course, what's Christmas without snow? And what's snow without a good snowball fight?! So how did the sides get chosen? Well, it sort of went something like this.  
  
It was a beautiful Monday morning. The snow was slowly drifting to the ground, and Bryan came in for his morning Dew. He opened the refrigerator, turned around and screamed, dropping his Dew.  
  
"What?" Peter asked.  
  
"You're...You're drinking...Vanilla Coke?!" Bryan yelled.  
  
Indeed he was. Peter had just opened a can of sweet Vanilla Coke. He shrugged. "So?"  
  
Just then, Tracy, Steph and Kitt walked in drinking Vanilla Coke as well. Bryan froze and screamed again. "YOU'RE ALL SAVAGES!!!"  
  
He quickly grabbed the can of the Dew and ran off, screaming. Soon, the house was divided between the Vanilla Coke lovers and those devoted to the Dew. And of course, each dragged a Fellowship member or two with them.  
  
Vanilla Coke:  
  
Kitt  
  
Legolas  
  
Steph  
  
Boromir  
  
Tracy  
  
Pippin (The Dew was "getting old.")  
  
Peter  
  
Arwen  
  
Tippy  
  
Faramir  
  
The Dew:  
  
Bryan  
  
Eowyn  
  
Dajotre  
  
Sam  
  
Brittney  
  
Merry  
  
Ashley  
  
Frodo  
  
Lisa  
  
Aragorn  
  
Ben  
  
Gimli  
  
Gandalf...just because  
  
The Realm of the Vanilla Coke  
  
11:00 A.M.  
  
Faramir and Boromir look over a map.  
  
"What news?" Faramir asked.  
  
"Our scouts report the Dew has built forces outside of the unneccesary garage. Aragorn is organizing another by the mailbox. But we must look to our own borders. Faramir, the Dew is on the move. Bryan is marshaling an army. They are developing their fortress quickly," Boromir reported.  
  
"How many?" Faramir questioned.  
  
"About a dozen," Boromir answered.  
  
Faramir leaned over the map. "Who's covering the backyard?"  
  
"We pulled five of us out, but if it's attacked, we may not hold," Boromir said.  
  
"Bryan attacks from the garage. Aragorn from the mailbox. The fight will come to the Dew on both fronts. Vanilla Coke is growing weak. Aragorn will strike us soon. And he will strike hard. He knows now we do not have the strength to repel him." Faramir mused.  
  
Tip popped out of nowhere. "That sounds vaguely familiar."  
  
Faramir walked outside to see everyone working on the fort by the tree in the backyard. "How is it coming?"  
  
"It would be coming along a lot faster if SOME people will help us!" Steph yelled, glaring at Kitt.  
  
Kitt was sitting down on a lawn chair (yes in the snow) and reading another Orlando Bloom magazine. "Don't look at me."  
  
Faramir glared at her as well. "Get up!"  
  
"No!" Kitt shot back.  
  
"Bogus!" Bryan yelled from the other side of the yard.  
  
Legolas came over and smiled his million dollar smile. "Please Kitt..."  
  
Kitt grinned and jumped up. "Anything for you, my love!"  
  
She grabbed a shovel and started to build the fort.  
  
The Fortress of the Dew  
  
11:30 A.M.  
  
Soon, the Dew had a fortress by the garage and mailbox fully built. Aragorn came over to Gimli, beant over a map as well. He was about to ask for a report, but suddenly, a scream echoed through the house. Lisa bolted into the room.  
  
"Aragorn!" she shouted. "Man down!"  
  
Aragorn ran outside to see Ben lying on the ground, chunks of snow all over his coat and face.  
  
"Ben? Ben!" Aragorn yelled. "Speak to me!"  
  
"Aragorn..." he whispered.  
  
"What is it?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Aragorn..." Ben said faintly. "There is...another....Dew....in the fridge...."  
  
The others took good care of Ben, nursing him back to health...except for Dajotre who could care less about anything. (Just kidding Daj.)  
  
"This is but a taste of the terror that Faramir will unleash," Gandalf said to Bryan. "All the more potent for he is driven mad by fear of defeat. Rush out and meet him head on. Draw him away from our fortress. We must fight!"  
  
"You have 2 good men setting up base by them as we speak," Aragorn added. "Gimli is loyal to you. He and Merry will return and fight for you."  
  
"They will be ready to fight by now," Bryan said. "Gimli can't help us. I know what you want from me. But I will not bring further injury to my friends. I will not risk open war!"  
  
"Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not," Aragorn shot back.  
  
Bryan slowly turned around. "When last I checked, Bryan, not Aragorn, was first chair trumpet."  
  
"Then what is the first chair trumpet player's decision?" Gandalf asked.  
  
The Realm of the Vanilla Coke  
  
1:37 P.M.  
  
Faramir opened up the map again. He and Peter were huddled over it, planning out their attacks. Legolas then came in.  
  
"We have just finished the next fortress by the west corridor of the house," Legolas reported.  
  
Peter paused. "...What?"  
  
Legolas sighed and shook his head. "Kids...we finished that fortress over there," he said, gesturing to the right.  
  
"Oh!" Peter said. "Okay. Groot!" (Groot=goodgreat) Yes Peter, I have stolen groot from you, and I am now using it as my own word in this piece of literature that you have not bothered to read. --  
  
"So...now what?" Legolas asked.  
  
Silence  
  
Faramir and Peter opened their mouth several times, but then closed it, as if the idea had just been lost in the wind.  
  
"You mean to tell me that we have no plan?!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" Peter glared.  
  
Faramir shot up. "I got it! We do nothing at all!"  
  
"Brilliant!" Peter grinned.  
  
Legolas groaned and stormed out of the room. In the kitchen, the kids were sitting around the table with Vanilla Coke in hand. Legolas glared at all of them.  
  
"Here we are on the brink of civil war, and it's all over a stupid drink!" he screamed.  
  
"Hey man," Pippin said. "Vanilla Coke isn't just a drink. It's life!"  
  
Legolas said something in Elvish that was either "censored you" or "I see a Democrat." (No offense to Democrats.)  
  
Just then, Tracy came bursting into the room.  
  
"Ambush!!!" she screamed.  
  
Faramir, Peter and Legolas bolted out the door after Tracy. The four hid behind a fortress, while the others were throwing and being hit by a volley of snowballs.  
  
"Now what do we do?" Tracy asked.  
  
There was silence...  
  
"Wait!" Faramir exclaimed. "I've got it!"  
  
"What?" the other asked.  
  
"We bring in reinforcements!" Faramir suggested.  
  
"Oh, good idea, Captain," Legolas said. "Only one problem...WE DON'T HAVE ANY REINFORCEMENTS!!!"  
  
Faramir paused. "...Oh."  
  
Peter thought for a moment. "We could surrender! But then of course, we'd be French." (No offence to French.)  
  
Just then, Pippin was knocked to the ground. Tracy mournfully looked after him. "We've gotta do something! Our friends are being shot down out there!"  
  
Legolas got up to his feet and began his speech. "We who are about to die salute you!!!"  
  
Everybody fighting (and those falling to the ground) paused to look at the Elf. Faramir, Peter and Tracy jumped up as well, snowballs in hand.  
  
"CHARGE!!!" Legolas shouted.  
  
He and the three others ran towards the petrified Forces of the Dew. The four fearless warriors chucked snowballs at the opposing side, knocking Merry to the ground.  
  
"Husband!" Brittney screamed, running to his side.  
  
The Forces of the Vanilla Coke stood in awe at the four that were sacrificing themselves for their friends. Then, they started cheering, and running forward....  
  
....Only to find out that those "who are about to die" were dead. (In a manner of speaking.) Avenging their friends' deaths, they threw the last of the ammunition at the Forces of the Dew, and finished them off.  
  
After a day of recovery, Tracy and Faramir were back on their feet. The others that had been shot down were still healing, but quickly.  
  
"So tell us what happened," Tippy said.  
  
"Huh?" Tracy said. (A blow to her head had jostled her memory.)  
  
Tippy sighed. "Tell us why you, Peter, Legolas and my man- I mean- Faramir, were hit."  
  
"Oh!" Tracy exclaimed. "Riiiiight...let's see. Well, we started running into the battle to...to...."  
  
"....save us?" Kitt suggested.  
  
"Yes! Yes! Save us!" Tracy nodded. "Right! So then that one guy that Tip's mad at...umm...what's his name?"  
  
"Dajotre?" Stephanie asked.  
  
Tracy snapped her fingers. "Yes! Dajotre!"  
  
"Dajotre suddenly jumped out with Br...Bry...Bryyyyaaannnn," she said, trying to remember how to say his name.  
  
"This is going to be a lonnnng story..." Boromir grumbled.  
  
"..and anyways, they started throwing the round spheres of that cold, wet, white stuff at us. And then...who's that short guy?"  
  
"Gimli?" Boromir asked.  
  
"No no. The other short guy!" Tracy said.  
  
"Ben?" Arwen tried.  
  
"Yeah! Him!" Tracy nodded. "Then he threw an ice ball at my head!"  
  
"That explains a lot..." Boromir mumbled, followed by Tippy smacking him.  
  
"Finish the story, Faramir dear," Tippy smiled, happy that Eowyn was on the side of the Dew.  
  
"Well, then I saw Bryan shoot Legolas down, and Aragorn got Peter," Faramir replied. "And then I think Dajotre and Ben shot me at the same time. So...yes...that's all I remember."  
  
"And then the Tip fearlessly sacrificed herself to save Faramir and-" Tippy was cut off.  
  
"Tip, you didn't get hit at all so it wasn't a sacrifice," Kitt reminded.  
  
Tip glared at her. "But it WOULD have been!"  
  
Soon, the treaty was established. Daj had inconspicuously added "Daj is king" to the last part, but no one was able to catch it. Everybody recovered, and soon, December came.  
  
(Next Chapter: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!...I hope I'll be putting that one up...) 


End file.
